Posted on August 9, 2013
The process of getting drunk is pretty simple, but easily forgettable. Let’s review the 9 stages of being drunk:
The First Sip is when you know it’s go time. When that first drop of delicious alcohol hits your tongue, your mind and body are taken to another place. A wonderful, carefree drunken place. You’re ready to get weird.
The Buzz is the feeling you get when the alcohol hits you. Your whole body feels warm and cozy, and you feel like you’re one giant vibrating being. Everything becomes twenty times as exciting as it was a half hour ago: music sounds better, everyone becomes more attractive, and conversations feel more and more important as they become significantly louder.
This is the point in the night where conversations reach their peak volume. Suddenly everybody in the bar is your new best friend and you are dying to tell them your life story. Not realizing how drunk you actually are, you promise to stay in touch, take your new BFF’s phone number, and head to the bathroom where you forget about him/her forever.
This is the time of the night when you hear your favorite song and make sure that everyone in the bar knows that you know all of the lyrics. You hit the dance floor and sing/scream about 90% of the lyrics, sippin on your drink whenever your brain comes up short. You think, “wow, I’m actually a super good dancer”, and you continue to dance while spilling the drinks of everyone within arm’s reach. The dancing doesn’t cease until you catch the eye of the cutie over at the bar at which point you reach stage number 5.
You’ve spotted a cutie. In fact, everyone in the entire freaking bar is suddenly beautiful. With a bit of liquid courage, you head over to meet your fate. Whether or not you get lucky… well that is up to you and your wonderful drunken pick up lines.
It’s getting late but you are nowhere near ready to stop the party. You don’t care if your buddy has got work in the morning or if your sister has to get home to the babysitter — NO! This is going to be the best night ever! The sun doesn’t come up for a whole three hours! You don’t care if your friend loses his job or if your sister never sees her children again, you’re ordering more shots.
You are suddenly starving. You can’t go another minute without getting a taco, burger, or whatever the hell the only restaurant that’s open at this hour serves. (Yes, of course this section deserves 3 gifs)
After eating half of your body weight, you slip into food coma. But food coma is ten times as worse than usual because you are wasted. You are tired as hell and ready to crash. You jump in a cab and head home. The cabbie wakes you up and you stumble up your stairs and into your bed, destroying everything in your path. You are done and you crash hard.
You wake up in the morning with a pounding headache, sick to your stomach, with some unidentifiable sauce all over your face. You check your phone to see thirty new numbers in it of people who you have never heard of. You remember that “cutie” from the bar and your stomach starts to hurt even worse. This my friend, is the regret. I pray that you don’t have to work today, but here is some recommended reading just in case: The Guide to Surviving a Hangover at Work.
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