Christine Always Ready for Happy Hour is Off On Jimmy Buffet Time

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When I was born the first sound I ever made was a perfect rendition of Billy Joel’s “Piano Man.” The doctor cried out, “Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus. This is gonna sound weird, but for a second, I think you took on the shape of a unicorn.” Right then and there my parents nicked named me, “The Boss.” My godparents, Guns N’ Roses, used to refer to me as [their], ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine.’ I learned how to moonwalk like Michael Jackson except on piano keys before I could crawl. At three I wrote the, ‘Star Spangled Banner’, aka the national anthem you may have heard of it before and performed it the next day. Then at five, I inspired John Lennon to write the song, ‘Imagine’ with one of my finger paintings. At thirteen I was reason for, ‘Oops!… I Did it Again,’ I may have been a bad influence on Britney Spears, whoops. When I turned twenty-one Don McLean sang to me, “bye-bye, Miss American Pie,’ and he, “drove my chevy to the levee,” aka Lake Michigan and I’ve been in Chicago ever since.

Ooh look, “It’s Five O’ Clock Somewhere…”

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At least that’s what I tell my buddy, Jimmy Buffett. Now my stage is the piano bar, ‘Howl at the Moon.’ Some say it’s the greatest dueling piano bar in the country; thanks Elton John, I appreciate your work too! Come find me and I will, “pour [you] something tall and strong.” You can sit with Alan Jackson while I play you a tune. Before you know it, you’ll be screaming, ‘Build Me Up Buttercup,’ with the Temptations.

Suddenly you’ll transform into a ‘Dancing Queen,’ with Abba. You and Pat Benatar will be screaming to the bartenders, ‘Hit Me With Your Best Shot.’ By the end of the night we’ll all be howling at the moon.

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